Beth's Story
No one ever said that life was easy, or fair. Some sail through life unscathed, while others have to live with the scars. Although my scars aren't easily seen by others, I do have them and they haunt me to this day.
Growing up I can remember hating the "coke bottle" glasses that I wore. I hated the fact that I looked ugly in them, and thought no boys would ever like me. My self-esteem and self-confidence were always low because of the "bottles" that I wore. Because I was born three months premature and was legally blind in one eye, I had to undergo numerous trips to the Optometrist. Eye exercises were an almost daily occurrence, and an even more daunting task. Patching of the lazy eye was common to try and correct double vision. Never did I imagine that there were worse things in life besides thick glasses and eye exercises. My whole outlook on my life changed in 1996. An unforeseen monster came to test my strength and test it he did.
On the night of February 16, 1996 I found that my left eye had a black veil in the right hand corner. That night my Optometrist discovered a more serious problem, and referred me to an Ophthalmologist. Upon examination the Ophthalmologist noted that I had a retinal detachment and needed emergency eye surgery. Never having worried about my vision prior to this I was extremely emotional. Not knowing what was happening or how to fix it, sent my mind into overload. Needless to say the affect it had on my emotions was harsh, and it's grip choking.
While recovering from surgery my emotions would wreak havoc on me. Not a day went by that I didn't sob uncontrollably and yell at anyone closest to me. I was trying to blame others for something that I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend how this happened, and why I couldn't do something to fix it. How could I have let this happen to myself? What did I do to deserve this? Looking back now I can still feel the raw emotions as if it were yesterday. Over time with the help of family and friends I was able to regain a positive outlook. However, this wouldn't last for long, as my strength was tested once again. This time the monster was back with a vengeance, and my willpower was pushed to the limit.
On June 10, 1998 my nightmare truly began. Having graduated from High School five days prior, I was out celebrating with a close friend when I noticed a shower of black dots in my vision. This time it wasn't in my "bad" eye, but my "good" eye - the right. Fear gripped me on the way to the hospital. The monster was back and this time he was playing with fire. I will never forget the words "you might lose your vision." Unbearable horror swept over me as my doctor told me this. This couldn't be happening! Not now! I had just graduated High School and had the experience of college waiting for me. How could I survive if I didn't have the ability to see? Once again the many emotions I felt in '96 came rushing back. My faith was severely tested on this night, but it wasn't the end. There was still a rocky road waiting in the distance.
In August of '98 I had a routine eye exam and was pretty confident that things were going well. Finally! the pain and emotional turmoil was behind me I thought. Little did I know that the phrase "be careful what you wish for" would soon apply. My doctor discovered that I had a retinal tear and would require another surgery. After all of the tears and heartache I couldn't understand why God would put me through this. What did I do that caused me to endure such suffering emotionally? Why couldn't I make it go away? Although this surgery was a surprise my emotions were under control. Humor, I found, was the best way of dealing with my feelings. I often found myself joking about being a "seasoned professional" with my doctors. Laughter is said to be the best medicine, and I think it helped my doctors as well as myself deal with a difficult situation.
My ordeal was taking a considerable toll on me, both mentally as well as physically at this point. On one hand I was much stronger emotionally, but on the other I was very angry. I began to keep a journal to help me see things a little better. Writing helped me to get out a lot of anger, as well as not take it out on those around me. Although the writing helped I was still lashing out. Why could others go out and have fun but I couldn't? Why was I so far behind and others so far ahead? The phrase "Good things come to those who wait" is very true. There was just one more hurdle I would have to cross before realizing just how true it was.
In December of '99 I developed a cataract in my right eye, and over time my vision decreased. I was furious that I couldn't do the things I once did, read, write, or go for a walk. Even the simplest of things grew increasingly worse. Three days before Christmas, December 22, 1999, I underwent surgery for the cataract as well as another retinal detachment. Coming from a large family it was extremely difficult not to be able to celebrate the Holidays with those closest to me. I can still hear the laughter from the living room as I lay in the bedroom crying. The loneliness I felt was unbearable. The monster had struck once again and reared his ugly head. I felt as though he had won the war, while I lost the battle. Little did I know just how wrong I was!
It has now been three years since my last surgery, and I'm proud to say I'm in good health! Although I still struggle with self-doubts and self-esteem I couldn't be happier. I'm am currently completing my Associate's Degree in Information Technology, as well as certification for computer repair. The constant fear of no boys liking me growing up has now fizzled out. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful partner who supports me, and who likes me for ME! My family and friends are also a huge support as well. Throughout this ordeal my doctors have become my friends, and I'm honored to be in such good hands.
If there's one thing I've learned throughout all of this, it's not to take things for granted. I've learned that while my problems at any given time may seem insurmountable, there's always someone with a much bigger problem. If there's one thing I feel confident in saying it's that I'm a survivor. What we encounter in life tests us in so many ways, how we choose to deal with them defines who we are.
On a final note, I would like to say a quick thank you to my family, friends, and doctors for helping me through some rough times. I know it wasn't easy for you along the way, but know that I am deeply thankful for your support. To my partner and best friend, THANK YOU for taking a chance on me, and for showing me that there's sunshine after the rain. I Love You!